Is being someone’s ‘type’ a bad thing?

I am attempting to date.

This is something I have not done in years. I’ve always been with friends. I’ve rarely done the ‘let’s go out and get to know each other for the purpose of a romantic relationship.’

It’s very weird. Is it this weird for everyone or just for those of us who haven’t really done it?

This exercise in normalcy has alerted me to something about myself. I have a type.

I knew I had a type of personality – usually evil – but I wasn’t fully conscious of the fact that I have a physical type. Again, I think this might be a function of dating friends. I was always drawn to the mind more than the physical – though I’ve never dated someone unattractive, but that’s another topic.

Here’s what I’m wondering – if you are drawn to a specific physical type are you really just trying to replace the original person that your type is modeled after? By physical type I don’t just mean a person’s build. I mean their cultural background, hair color, eye color, the way they dress etc… Things that are truly specific.

I know I did this with the last person I dated and he was horribly aware of this fact. He and my ‘original type’ could have been brothers. They even had the same foreign accent.

And of course, he was also evil.

Again, it’s a problem. I know.

An interesting interjection here – I was on the phone with my mother the other day and she said ‘I trust that you’ll make the right decisions about the men in your life’ to which I laughed hysterically and to which anyone else who knows me is probably saying ‘HA!’

Are we always trying to replace whomever our original type might be? And if that’s the case can we really ever have a healthy relationship with someone who is just a replacement for someone else? In many of my own cases, I think it is blatantly obvious that I am trying to find someone exactly like my original type just less crazy.

But like I said, I go for evil, so the less crazy thing never really works out.

I know people say that you date until you get it right, but should things really be such trial and error? Should we really go people pattern after pattern until we find a more compatible version of our initial interest? Won’t a part of us always be silently comparing the new person with the original?



  1. I thought I had a type, and then I realized that what I really NEEDED was someone completely the opposite of my type. I always went for tall (okay I married tall, but whatever!) skinny, notsobright, guys that i could manipulate mentally. I needed someone who was smarter than me who would challenge me intellectually. maybe your type is not what you really need either. Maybe venturing outside of your type and outside of your comfort zone would be a way for you to meet the guy of your dreams. For me, marrying a man who was smarter than me, that I could not manipulate intellectually, led to a healthier relationship. I'm curious about where your introspection leads!

  2. That's a good point. I don't really have a concept of what I need and I think that sometimes you don't really know what you need (in any situation) until you find it.

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