Silence in the chaos

Someone sent me this quote a while ago and it’s too beautiful not to share. It is from the book Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green & David Levithan.

I feel like my life is so scattered right now, like it’s all these small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for little bit, like things can actually make sense. You completely unscatter me and I appreciate that so much.

My friend was trying to describe to me what it felt like to be with someone you love. Because of circumstances out of everyone’s control, my friend is separated from the person he loves – the person that unscatters him.

I live a scattered life. Most of us live scattered lives.

Typically, I wouldn’t describe it as such but for the purposes of this metaphor I’ll go with it. If there is one thing about life that I have learned, is that it is chaos. Whether good chaos or bad chaos, very few people live a settled life. Even lives that appear settled on the outside are full ofwith turmoil on the inside.

You can make plans all you want but then life happens. External forces (or internal in the case of disease) smack you in the face and derail you from your carefully plotted path.

There have been very dark periods in my life and sometimes I’ll talk about moments from those times with a great deal of joy. I’ve had people say ‘But wait, all of this bad stuff was happening, how could you have found any of that special or good?’ The answer is very simple. I was with people I loved. They were people who were not blood family but they were soul mates. People that I feel I have known forever, people I altered my life for, people I’d undergo torture for, people I love unconditionally, people to whom I would give anything, people whom I would love even if they stopped loving me – people who completely unscattered me.

I can’t explain it really but if you’ve loved someone like that then I don’t need to. It’s not always romantic love, though I think your romantic partner should make you feel that way, it’s not exclusive to that kind of love.

Even when you’re arguing with that person the connection is still there. The bond doesn’t break and it is that bond that grants you silence in the chaos of life.

When you lose that, as my friend has, it is hard to continue because you recognize how special and rare that kind of love is. How sacred it is. To lose it is to be thrown in a thousand directions all at once, flinging through space like tiny pieces of paper before a fan.

But we can learn to unscatter ourselves and even though it seems like we will never stop floating in space without being grounded by another, we can. I know it might not seem like it but it is possible to find that level of calm within yourself – all on your own, without an external force. After all, there was something in you that helped to foster that bond of stillness and connection. You were a part of that, so that love still exists within you. You just have to find it.

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