Feminine Creatures – the post where I say the word ‘vulva’

A couple of weeks ago I tweeted about how the grocery store across the street from my apartment doesn’t sell tampons. They have 4 shelves full of pads but zero tampons.

Then I lost 5 twitter followers.

Of course, they could have dropped off because that’s what happens in the world of Twitter. But I did wonder if it was somehow related to my use of the word TAMPON.

The whole thing made me want to send a tweet that said ‘TAMPON TAMPON TAMPON BLOOD TAMPON TAMPON TAMPON.’

Men get squirmy when you mention menstruation – in fact, a lot of men get squirmy when you remotely suggest that women are more than maternal sex goddesses. It’s not kosher to suggest or even imply that women are human.

Guys can fart around each other all they want. They think it’s funny. Potty humor is a big thing for them. But women?? Women don’t do any of those things! No! Women can’t! Our bodies don’t do body-things like excrete waste. Nope, not at all.

Maybe it’s because our mystical magical ladyparts are too fragile to handle the strain of pooping, I don’t know – but it’s a thing, with a lot of men – women’s bodies are for sex only. The only go to the bathroom to make themselves look sexier. They powder their nose in there! That’s what they do! They don’t squat!

It’s considered rude for a woman to walk around with a tampon in her hand. People aren’t supposed to know that women, just like men, are animals. Our bodies do bodily stuff.

But bodily stuff isn’t sexy – so we should never talk about it. Women’s bodily stuff is shameful because it makes us unsexy. And after all, we’re just legs with boobs so what are we doing going around being all bodily for?

Which is why companies make compact tampons. It’s so we can hide our humanness from men. We have to ask for a tampon from other women in hushed voices. Purchasing these things is an act of shame.

When was the last time you were ashamed to buy a bandaid?

Dude, oh.my.god – brilliant business idea – Hello Kitty tampons. Sanrio make it happen.

I truly believe in not being ashamed or afraid of ladyparts – you know vaginae, vulvae, uteri, which brings me to the advertisement that’s sweeping the interwebs:

FemFresh doesn't know a vagina from a vulva

FemFresh’s advertisement for ‘sensitive intimate skin’

I first learned about this ad on June 14, when @rhymeswithjen tweeted about it. Seriously, I thought it was an ad for a vibrator at first. ‘Whatever you call it, make sure you love it!’ Maybe I just have a dirty mind but that doesn’t say ‘soap’ to me.

Yes, the ad had the absurd name ‘froo froo’ – which I’ve never heard before but figured it was an across the pond thing. I figured the ‘froo froo’ was your typical ‘we are scared of ladyparts & will give them baby names so they won’t attack us with the secret teeth we know hide under every woman’s skirt.’

But then today I saw another version of the ad. Here’s a close up of the relevant text:

Fem Fresh ad - they don't know vag

Most people on the interwebs are in an uproar that the advertisers fail to include any the scientific name for ‘down there’ and instead opted for cutesy nicknames for female genitalia.  They do, however, use the recent pop culture darling term ‘vajayjay.’

The feminist blog site Jezebel published an article titled ‘Intimate Hygiene Product Ad is Scared of the Word ‘Vagina.”

But my issue is deeper than that (guys – I’m talking about genitalia and I used the word ‘deeper!’ everyone snicker now!) – This product isn’t for the vagina. It’s soap. Soap that’s made for sensitive skin – you know, that stuff on the outside of your body. This product is for the vulva.

Our society is so divorced from the reality of female anatomy that even the producers of feminine hygiene products and a feminist blog site don’t know the difference between a vulva and a vagina.

And we wonder why men can’t find the clitoris!! We don’t even know what’s the what down there! How can they!?

The mystification of the female body needs to end. It’s downright absurd but it’s also downright dangerous.

For instance, contrary to what most people believe – breast cancer is not the leading cause of death in women, heart disease is.

Crazy right? Because, women don’t have hearts, not physical ones like men. They just have hearts made of emotion causing estrogen – I think they have two of them…. I think they’re called boobs.

This reasoning is a key factor in so many women dying from heart disease. Female heart problems are often misdiagnosed by medical doctors who received their degrees while doing keg stands at the prestigious Misogyny Medical College of Patriarchy University.

Women. You were made in one and maybe you’ve made a few tiny women of your own. Women deserve to be respected as whole people. We are fully human, just like men. We ave fully functioning bodies – and not leggy angels with boobs.

We are intellectual animals – just like the other half of humanity.

*Please do not show your lameness by saying ‘but you expect me to open doors for you!!’ Because yes, I do. I expect you to hold a door open for me if I am entering a building directly behind you. I expect my mom to do the same thing. I expect myself to do the same thing for anyone regardless of gender. I believe holding the door open for another human being is what is called ‘manners.’ 

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