This is a very serious post, people. Very serious.
We all know it’s terrible that politicians like Bloomberg try to control how much soda we drink, but what you have yet to realize is that people have been trying to control our eating habits since the dawn of time!
The dawn of time!
Long since before any of us can remember, arbitrary rules have dictated our eating patterns. Truly!
Think about it:
You can have hash browns for breakfast, but not french fries. Steak and eggs are okay for breakfast, but not steak and spaghetti.
Just try eating a Reuben for breakfast, go on, try it. See how much society will judge you for your defiance of its breakfast standards.
We even have to put qualifiers in front of certain foods to make them suitable for breakfast consumption. The “breakfast burrito” is only one of dozens of examples.
All of these arbitrary rules cause an extreme amount of strife in the world. People are brutalized for realizing what so many strive to shroud in secrecy: We eat chocolate cake for breakfast all of the time.
IT’S CALLED A CHOCOLATE DOUGHNUT.
And what’s with all of this “no cupcakes before you eat your dinner” bullshit?
We eat cupcakes before dinner all of the time.
THEY’RE CALLED MUFFINS.
I am certain I will be struck by lightning for revealing these hidden truths about pastries and other foods. This morning when I cut myself a piece of pumpkin pie and slathered it with whipped cream, I knew I would be judged for my extreme disobedience of mealtime laws, but I did not care.
And if I am indeed hit by lightning for being so bold as to speak up for our food freedoms, know that I left this world with this attitude: